Saturday, January 17, 2009

Dreading...

I've actually been dreading this post for the past few days, but figured I'd get it out quick... like pulling off a bandaid. Say my bits, and move forward. It has been difficult to talk about, but also healing at the same time.


So last week (Jan.7) Brett and I lost our little baby at 15 weeks. There is this movie I remember watching once and there is this line.. the girls says something about how the doctors told her she lost her baby, she had a hard time with the phrasing because it was as though it was a pair of keys or something. They are never really lost, but it seems like a much more thoughtful term than many of the others... miscarriage... spontaneous abortion (definitely hated that one... makes it sound like it had been my choice) It has been a tough week but we have been overwhelmed with support from everyone. (It was the unexpected thoughtfulness that was the most touching... BJ works with all these guys in the petro-canada refinery... I always imagine them as these stereotypical oil and gas guys... but they are some of the most thoughtful and caring people)


The toughest part was being in the hospital right after and being admitted to stay overnight and ALL the next day waiting for surgery. I would rather have been anywhere else, as long as I was with my husband and my baby... I was extremely overwhelmed, in shock and in serious lack of sleep. I couldn't escape my own thoughts and that was the worst. It scared me the most to think that I didn't know if I'd ever be brave enough to try again, considering the possibility of it happening again.


It has also been difficult not knowing what caused it...( hopefully nothing that I did), but also knowing there isn't really anything you can do to prevent it either.


Once I got home, slept in my own bed, and got extra love and cuddles from WW I felt SO much better. It now seems like a horrible nightmare.


It is amazing how we can be so blessed in times of trial. This was absolutely the worst experience of my life so far, but I can tell you that I have never loved my husband more for going through it with me, and being the most incredible support ever. I have spent more quality time with my son in the last week, I appreciate him more, and will never take him for granted... I recognize what a truly amazing little boy I have been blessed with. I also look forward to another pregnancy and another chance at bringing another sweet spirit into our family.


My sweet boy that makes everyday so much fun!


WW and I have also started a babynastics class at Salto gymnastics. We have so much fun climbing and jumping. He gets lots of exercise and gets his fill of climbing done where it is safe, rather that at home on my coffee table.


ALSO, I cut off all my hair! It has been super long for as long as I can remember... like junior high even... I finally was confident enough in a hairdresser to just let her do her thing. And I love it. It felt so good, like a fresh start after my difficult week.
Not a very good picture of me, but you get the idea of the hair.

2 comments:

Momma Juj said...

oh Leslie, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry we are. I wish we could have been there for you. Love you so much!

Scott and Tara said...

Sorry to hear the sad news. Your in my prayers!